Childhood emotional neglect and scapegoating – part 5

The Golden Child

Often in a family where  scapegoat exists there is also a golden child.

One can do no right and one can do no wrong. In both instances they are being emotionally abused although the golden child may find it even harder recognise it.

The golden child gets praise, gets attention but they have to maintain a certain standard. If they challenge the  status quo and the dynamics that are being played out, they can very quickly move from being the golden child to the scapegoat. Frequently, they don’t notice what’s happening and this precarious space they inhabit. Often they will also buy into scapegoating the other child. They believe the stories about their own abilities and how great they are and how bad their sibling is.

Keeping those two or more siblings separate is a control tactic. If there is conflict between siblings, they can never unify against the parent/caregiver who is creating the discord. It keeps people isolated whichever role the sibling is in.

But for the scapegoat it’s more obvious that they can do no right and in some cases they believe the problem is them. I’ve written more about this previously here.

The golden child as they age may have a lot of expectations around the way their life with go. Expectations that may not come to fruition as they were unrealistic initially. This can lead to a lot of bitterness and resentment and a strong sense of entitlement. They were raised to believe they were worthy of things and if they don’t have the ability, luck or perseverance to make these things happen they will look elsewhere for the reason. 

They can struggle to see that they weren’t taught valuable coping skills and allowed to experience failures as well as successes. They also may be pursuing a life that isn’t actually the one they would have chosen but they have been strongly steered into one by their parents. They have been conditioned throughout their life to praise from their parent and find it hard to choose a path that may meet with disapproval. 

These patterns can last a lifetime and build the conditions for continuing the process through to the next generation.

For more on this series, part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4