I’ve been thinking a lot about perfectionism lately.
More specifically how damaging it is, how harmful. It’s impossible to achieve yet it’s so common that we get caught in it.
I cannot be perfect because I’m human. I will make mistakes, I will get it wrong and hopefully I will be given the opportunity to rectify and resolve those mistakes when they happen.
Learning to create those conditions where we can resolve mistakes, where we can repair and rebuild things it’s a massively important life skill.
If we don’t have those skills or it doesn’t feel safe to do that, then we can become highly anxious and paralysed. We don’t always have the environment though where we learn that skill growing up.
If we spent all our time striving to be perfect and eliminate any mistake because we’re worried about how we’ll be perceived or what the consequences will be it’s debilitating. Will we be punished? Will we be mocked and laughed at? Will we be judged? Will we be scapegoated for our mistakes and the mistakes of others?
Whether those are imagined fears or real possibilities it means we can’t take risks, we can’t grow and thrive, we can’t live in the moment and just be. We can’t connect properly with others and the world if we’re so consumed with engaging everything and everyone through this lens of perfectionism.
We’re missing out so much when we get driven into this trap.
There’s so many causes for it, but ultimately the only ones that can change it is ourselves. We can’t change other people. We can only change ourselves and how we respond.
If we have people around us that expect us to be perfect and give us negative responses when we’re not then we have a choice about that as well. Ultimately, are they people that it’s helpful to have in our lives?
Alternatively are we the one imposing this idea on others around us as well? Are we holding everyone to an impossible standard? Why are we? How much of this comes from our own fear? How unfair to them are we being?
Perfectionism, fear, shame and anxiety all get tangled up and it can feel impossible to change. This isn’t true.
We can change. We can be more self compassionate, more mindful about the thoughts we are having. Trace them through to the feelings we are they ignoring. Recognise we are stuck in all or nothing thinking.
All these skills take work and time to embed. Change doesn’t happen overnight but it can come with support.