Tag: Video Therapy

The perils of perfectionism

siobhantoner

I’ve been thinking a lot about perfectionism lately.

More specifically how damaging it is, how harmful. It’s impossible to achieve yet it’s so common that we get caught in it.

I cannot be perfect because I’m human. I will make mistakes, I will get it wrong and hopefully I will be given the opportunity to rectify and resolve those mistakes when they happen.

Learning to create those conditions where we can resolve mistakes, where we can repair and rebuild things it’s a massively important life skill.

If we don’t have those skills or it doesn’t feel safe to do that, then we can become highly anxious and paralysed. We don’t always have the environment though where we learn that skill growing up. 

If we spent all our time striving to be perfect and eliminate any mistake because we’re worried about how we’ll be perceived or what the consequences will be it’s debilitating. Will we be punished? Will we be mocked and laughed at? Will we be judged? Will we be scapegoated for our mistakes and the mistakes of others?

Whether those are imagined fears or real possibilities it means we can’t take risks, we can’t grow and thrive, we can’t live in the moment and just be. We can’t connect properly with others and the world if we’re so consumed with engaging everything and everyone through this lens of perfectionism.

We’re missing out so much when we get driven into this trap.

There’s so many causes for it, but ultimately the only ones that can change it is ourselves. We can’t change other people. We can only change ourselves and how we respond. 

If we have people around us that expect us to be perfect and give us negative responses when we’re not then we have a choice about that as well. Ultimately, are they people that it’s helpful to have in our lives?

Alternatively are we the one imposing this idea on others around us as well? Are we holding everyone to an impossible standard? Why are we? How much of this comes from our own fear? How unfair to them are we being?

Perfectionism, fear, shame and anxiety all get tangled up and it can feel impossible to change. This isn’t true.

We can change. We can be more self compassionate, more mindful about the thoughts we are having. Trace them through to the feelings we are they ignoring. Recognise we are stuck in all or nothing thinking. 

All these skills take work and time to embed. Change doesn’t happen overnight but it can come with support. 

Christmas and Intergenerational Trauma

siobhantoner1 Comment

Why do so many people struggle with seeing their family en masse? It’s most noticeable during holiday events or special occasions one of which is Christmas which isn’t far away.

Gathering together members of the family gives a space for all the old patterns of behaviour to be played out again. All the unresolved issues are brought back to the surface and we witness the intergenerational trauma. 

Siblings may revert to their childhood roles that their parents allocated for them, even if that was decades ago. Their parents fail to see the adults they have become and treat them as they perceived them in the past. 

Grandchildren see their own parents behaving or being treated very differently and this influences how they relate to their parents. Not just during the time frame they are all together but moving onward.

There are two strands for us to consider when thinking about Intergenerational trauma. One generation that has not been able to process their trauma in a healthy way can pass it on to the next generation through their behaviour and causing more trauma to them and they repeating the cycle to the next. It can flow on for many generations causing more and more damage and dysfunction.

However, there is also research being done on how this affects our genes. This is called Epigenetic’s and is the study of how environments and events can affect how our bodies read and responds to our DNA without changing the DNA sequence itself. The research is exploring if traumatic events in one generation get passed down through the generations that come other in how we respond to certain triggers and stimuli.

This article gives more details of what this means and the types of research that is being undertaken.

Whether its just behaviour or epigenetic’s also plays a part, there is no doubt that breaking the cycle of intergeneration trauma is hard but necessary work. 

Healing is a process that starts with acknowledging that there is something not right. What it ends up as is going to be different for everyone and its not always helpful to have an idea or compare to others as this can lead to a sense of failure rather than achievement and self-compassion.

Before this holiday season starts, are you already dreading what may happens and being with your family for an extended period of time? Is this the time to acknowledge that something isn’t right?