Category: Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse and its impact on survivors

Childhood emotional neglect and scapegoating – part 4

siobhantoner

Emotional Neglect vs Emotional Abuse

In this series I have mentioned emotional neglect and emotional abuse but what is the difference between them?

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is an active act. This is where the child is told repeatedly certain things about themselves, their situation or their role in the family. 

These things are harmful. The person saying it may deny the intention is to course harm and genuinely believe that however, it does cause significant harm.

Being on the receiving end of this can leave you believing it or fighting against it and it will have a long-term impact.

In the worst instances, there is a deliberateness to this. No one wants to accept that people exist alongside us that will behave that way but the truth is they do.

Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect is a form of child abuse but it is much more passive, it’s a failure to act.

The parent or caregiver may themselves be very emotionally immature and not recognise that part of their role is to teach their child how to manage their emotions. They fail to help soothe and regulate when they are experiencing big emotions and the child struggles to learn these skills. 

Instead they may model the parent’s ways of coping. An emotionally immature adult may get angry a lot because they can’t regulate their own feelings and anger becomes the default. Or they lock up their emotions in boxes and pretend they aren’t there. In this last example they usually seep out in unpleasant ways for those around them. Through passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, the threat of violence being contained.

The parent  may also claim the victim role and be helpless and demand support and help to regulate from their children so the child ends up being the caregiver rather than the other way around.

Whatever way it presents, the child learns that they cannot rely on their parent for emotional support.

Both types of people, those who are emotionally abusive or emotionally neglectful may not appear that way from the outside. It’s why emotional abuse is so hard to recognise even for the person who’s been on the receiving end of it and it’s why their experiences get invalidated so often.

In the end, you are very likely to become the scapegoat if you challenge it or try and let people understand what’s going on. The person challenging it is the one causing conflict and problems in the agreed upo narrative. The experience they’ve had isn’t seen.

There still appears to be a concept of hierarchy in terms of childhood trauma and abuse. Emotional abuse and definitely emotional neglect are the ones minimised the most. “You should be grateful XYZ didn’t happen to you instead”. “You’re so lucky that you didn’t have to go through this”.

The truth is though lifelong harm is caused by both of these experiences and the process of even recognising it in ourself can be very difficult as it means re-writing the story of our lives.

Childhood emotional neglect and scapegoating – part 3

siobhantoner1 Comment

What is scapegoating?

A scapegoat from a therapy viewpoint is the person in a system who gets blamed for things whether they are the cause or not of the issue. I am usually working with a family system but the system can also be for example a work environment, a social group or a team. Other peoples perception of the scapegoat are re-enforced time and again by other members of the system and their voice isn’t heard.

What does that look like for the scapegoat?

The scapegoat may learn that the other people in the system will not support them. Even if they know that the thing they are being blamed for is untrue or being distorted. Therefore they expect very little from the system and often eventually cut themselves off from it as they cannot tolerate the expectations placed on them to take on the guilt.

However, sadly the scapegoat may not learn this lesson, instead they learn to believe what is said about them. These messages become internalised and can take a lifetime to even begin to question.

Alternatively the scapegoat can try and hold both things as true, “I must be the problem because everyone says it, but I also don’t understand what they say I did wrong.” Completely confusing to live this way and may lead to a lot of arguments and disagreements.

How does that relate to attachment styles?

In my experience, there does seem to be some pattern emerging.

For avoidant attachment children, they are more likely to expect less from the system and cut themselves off sooner. Going no contact reduces the stress of trying to defend against the scapegoating behaviour. Where these children have had to develop a lot of self sufficiency it is somewhat easier to do this.

For anxious attachment children, the need to people please and accept the judgments and blaming continues and leads into internalising and believing the scapegoating narrative. Breaking the pattern may not happen until those who are re-enforcing it are no longer in their lives as the need to please is so profound. Any concept of challenging the scapegoating has long been suppressed to try and make life easier.

For disorganised attachment children, the need to have that connection whilst also distrusting it means that the scapegoating may be challenged leading to lots of conflict in the system. In time this may lead to estrangement but there may be lots of repair attempts when the need to be part of the system takes priority. This then can be weaponised and used as examples of why the scapegoating is “correct”. “You always come back as you need us”.

Next time I’ll explore emotional abuse and emotional neglect.

For part 1 and part 2 click links

Childhood emotional neglect and scapegoating – part 2

siobhantoner

Attachment styles

More people now are aware of the concept of attachment styles, but I just wanted to give a quick summary of what it can mean as and adult.

The theory is that as a young baby develops and grows the relationship with their primary caregiver means they then develop an attachment style.  Their attachment style may impact a lot of other things later in their life.

If the child’s needs are predominantly being met in a healthy way, they develop what it’s called a secure attachment style. They know safety and feel a sense of security. They understand that they can try new things and take risks and they will be supported to stop them getting into actual danger and to help pick them up if they fall over. They will be taught to regulate when they do get upset and generally these have really positive impacts in the future.

For adults with a secure attachment style the world feels safer. Other people feel more reliable and there is more trust in relationships.

However, there’ are lot of people who have an insecure attachment style and these get broken down into three different versions.

Anxious attachment

Children who develop an anxious attachment style grow up and find it very difficult in relationships. They may be very needy but are potentially very wary of those relationships. They can need regular reassurance and potentially would tolerate a lot of poor behaviour from other people to stay in those relationships. 

They don’t necessarily trust their own judgement and their own ability to cope so they need other people to be there for them to back them up or to do for them. They hadn’t been taught when young to take risks and try things and explore the world and to develop resilience. 

They don’t necessarily trust their own abilities and can often have low self-confidence. They don’t have a sense of self-worth and that they are a value to others so they can seek reassurance a lot or do a lot of acts of service for people to justify why people are with them in any sort of relationship. They’re very vulnerable to being abused by people who take advantage of their insecurity.

Avoidant attachment

Children with avoidant attachment style have to learn to cope on their own as they don’t get enough support and back up from their primary caregivers. They have to learn their own regulation skills without it being modelled healthfully, they have to learn to do things for themselves too young and this leads to adults who are seen as very independent.

This independence is there but it can also be a mask. If they’ve had to do everything for themselves to achieve anything they will do it but they may not be happy. However, they also don’t know how to trust other people to do things for them. They have learnt not to rely on anyone else. They may believe people are incapable and they’re the only one who can do it or they may acknowledge that others could help them if they wanted to, but believe no one will. 

Asking for help becomes incredibly difficult because They’re so used to not getting it that it’s almost inconceivable that someone would actually give it to them. It’s better not to ask again only be disappointed and just push themselves to do it alone.

This can severely impact intimacy and relationships because there isn’t trust there. It can also lead to severe burnout because they’ve got no backup and even if people have been willing to be their backup, they haven’t been able to allow them into their life close enough to be that back up.

Therefore the mask of competence and even potentially success can also hide deep sadness and loneliness.

Disorganised attachment

This attachment style is believed to be the one most linked to childhood trauma and abuse. Experiencing it directly from the primary caregiver or witnessing the caregiver being abusive to others. 

This leads to constant doubt about what version of the caregiver will show up, one who is present, emotionally absent or one who actively causes harm so the child is growing up with a lot of fear and uncertainty.

This fear will continue into adulthood with other relationships. Whilst craving them and pulling towards them, the fear and distrust can be overwhelming and they will pull away or create and environment that the person they are in a relationship with (whatever form that is) eventually ends it. This them confirms they were right to be fearful, and re-enforces their fear.

The distrust they experience can be very harmful for those on the receiving end as well. Worst case it can be aggressive and controlling as they are needing proof of loyalty. Even without that it can be extremely hurtful to be under frequent suspicion and in the end it drives people away.

Next time I will introduce scapegoating and how that can link to attachment styles which you will find here.

Return to part 1

Childhood emotional neglect and scapegoating – part 1

siobhantoner1 Comment

On family estrangements

I know over the last week there’s been a lot of speculation and commentary over one particular celebrity family breakdown but as someone who has worked in this field for many years I wanted to give my perspective in general on what these are about. I won’t comment on the celebrities themselves.

  • Never assume it’s easy for anyone being impacted.
  • Never assume you know what someone’s reality has been like from watching it from outside the core family. 
  • Never assume people haven’t tried to fix things before they make a break. 
  • Never assume that people living in the same house have the same experience of people.

The reality is we don’t live other peoples lives and it’s incredibly difficult to fully understand what people are going through because we bring our own prejudice, biases, innocence and naivety into our perspectives.

Sometimes abusive behaviour is overt. I mean that the abuser knows they are being abusive and there is an element where they want to hurt someone in what they do. These people are usually very skilful at hiding that behaviour from everyone else because they have developed a very good mask to show to other people.

The person that they abuse is often disbelieved if they tell their version of event because of the way a skilful abuser has created and crafted a story. This can often include setting up the abused family member as a scapegoat. 

  • They are the problem.
  • They are the one who makes it difficult. 
  • They are the one who we try to help and doesn’t appreciate things, et cetera. 
  • They are ungrateful.
  • They don’t understand I did what I did for their own good.
  • They are the one who then isn’t believed when they try to speak out if they ever do speak out. 

Part of that abuse can be that they actually end up believing the story that’s been crafted about them and it can take a lifetime to realise that it was false. 

In other instances the abuser is not aware that their behaviour is abusive. That their behaviour is causing harm to another person.

This can be for many reasons but often it’s a lack of emotional maturity, the ability to emotionally regulate and maybe they have been raised themselves in a emotionally abusive household so they do not understand what is appropriate.

I think back to the tales of stage mothers as shown in films from the 1930’s, 40’s and 50s. These are mothers usually raised in poverty who want more for their children and push them to work from a really young age and dedicate everything to making their child stars and make money but at what cost?

There’s a lot of films and literature about that system in Hollywood and now it’s acknowledged how abusive it was and how harmful. Those mothers I think in many ways were motivated by their own trauma. They wanted more for their children and then through them more for themselves.

Parents who overshare with their children from a young age and treat them as a confidant can also cause a lot of harm. There children become the support system for the parent and their own needs and support gets neglected.

Absent parents through economic poverty and necessity can also leave a legacy of harm to children. Parents who are never there for their child because they’re working all the time to provide some stability think they’re doing the right thing. However we do know that children need connection with their primary carers to feel emotionally safe and secure and to learn from them. 

They learn how to regulate emotions, learn trust, confidence and to know they are loved. When work takes so much time and energy, even when it’s coming from trying to provide for them, that child may feel unloved, unsafe, unconnected, and ultimately that can also become a form of emotional neglect.

Emotional neglect is one of the most unseen forms of child abuse. Its legacy can be lifelong and hidden, even in the one who experienced it. It can shape and influence all their life choices.

Sadly, if they ever do come to understand what was happening and work on healing themselves it also often gets dismissed and even mocked by those who they share their story with later in life. 

These types of examples can lead to different insecure attachment styles which are covered in part 2.

Emotional Abuse

siobhantoner

The Christmas period can highlight some of the cracks within family systems and our relationships within them  I’ve been thinking a lot about emotional abuse lately and its impact, not just on the victim but the abuser.

Once the victim of emotional abuse recognises what is happening they often cut off all contact. When this is within families, parent and child or sibling, the abuser may still be left with expectations that are now not being met by the other person.

How often does the abuser recognise that it was their actions that led to the estrangement? In my experience, very rarely. Without that acknowledgement, the situation isn’t going to change. Instead the abuser may fall into a pattern of recrimination and self-pity and end up feeling as though they are the person who is being mistreated and believe that their victim is the one in the wrong.

Until we are able to really take responsibility, its not possible to grow as individuals. Its hard when we have done things that have harmed others but necessary.

Separated families

siobhantoner

I see more online about family estrangements and separated families. While its always a risk going into comment sections of social media I also find it interested how people view these situations.

Now, like everyone else apart from those directly involved, I don’t know the full story of what is being posted. I do know the stories of many people (including my own) of those who have chosen to cease contact with family members. It’s never an easy choice and it usually comes after years or decades of toxic or abusive relationships. Within those relationships, all parties may have displayed behaviour they are not proud of; they may have tried to repair things unsuccessfully; they may have papered over the cracks again and again. 

Each story will be different. What isn’t helpful is other people who are on the outside passing judgments. These judgements are at best unwelcome and also potentially damaging and abusive.

I was reminded recently of the request by many school for parents not to take photos at school plays because they may contain images of other children who are at risk. With these being put on social media, then they can be traced must easier. I am sure there are people who object to this as their experiences have meant that haven’t had to consider these things. It’s the same with judging separated families.

Without the experiences then it may not be obvious why people make the choices they make. Instead of judging or worse interfering in a way that can put people at risk, try and ask yourself what would lead someone to make a choice like that?

If you haven’t had a family like this, then please recognise what a privilege that is for you. A secure loving family of one of the greatest advantages anyone can have. The evidence on adverse childhood experiences which I have written about before show just what an advantage this gives to you. 

If you have made a choice to remove contact with a family member, then I am sorry you have needed to and I wish you well. It can seem so much harder in December dealing with these issues as family celebrations are promoted to us everywhere.

Christmas and Intergenerational Trauma

siobhantoner1 Comment

Why do so many people struggle with seeing their family en masse? It’s most noticeable during holiday events or special occasions one of which is Christmas which isn’t far away.

Gathering together members of the family gives a space for all the old patterns of behaviour to be played out again. All the unresolved issues are brought back to the surface and we witness the intergenerational trauma. 

Siblings may revert to their childhood roles that their parents allocated for them, even if that was decades ago. Their parents fail to see the adults they have become and treat them as they perceived them in the past. 

Grandchildren see their own parents behaving or being treated very differently and this influences how they relate to their parents. Not just during the time frame they are all together but moving onward.

There are two strands for us to consider when thinking about Intergenerational trauma. One generation that has not been able to process their trauma in a healthy way can pass it on to the next generation through their behaviour and causing more trauma to them and they repeating the cycle to the next. It can flow on for many generations causing more and more damage and dysfunction.

However, there is also research being done on how this affects our genes. This is called Epigenetic’s and is the study of how environments and events can affect how our bodies read and responds to our DNA without changing the DNA sequence itself. The research is exploring if traumatic events in one generation get passed down through the generations that come other in how we respond to certain triggers and stimuli.

This article gives more details of what this means and the types of research that is being undertaken.

Whether its just behaviour or epigenetic’s also plays a part, there is no doubt that breaking the cycle of intergeneration trauma is hard but necessary work. 

Healing is a process that starts with acknowledging that there is something not right. What it ends up as is going to be different for everyone and its not always helpful to have an idea or compare to others as this can lead to a sense of failure rather than achievement and self-compassion.

Before this holiday season starts, are you already dreading what may happens and being with your family for an extended period of time? Is this the time to acknowledge that something isn’t right? 

Are you the family scapegoat?

siobhantoner

This article describes very clearly what it is like to be the family scapegoat in a toxic and abusive family dynamic.

This is a form of emotional abuse. Not only does it involve gas lighting where your experience of reality is denied and twisted, but it also can include collusion from all the family members. While they may not be as active at scapegoating, if they choose to be convinced and don’t take the time to reflect on what is really happening they are colluding with it.

How hard though is it for the person set up as the scapegoat to recover? The sad truth is very hard and this may take a lot of work and self-reflection. When these behaviour patterns get set into us in childhood we can take a lifetime to undo them.

If any of the points are resonating with you though, don’t give up hope. Because while it is hard work to recover, its worth it to find your authentic self and what you are truly capable of.

Emotional abuse

siobhantoner

I come back to forms of emotional abuse again and again as I believe it is the least understood and acknowledged form of abuse.

Emotional abuse exists in all other forms of abuse, sexual, physical and neglect but it also occurs without these other signs and that is why it is so hard to recognise from the outside.

 Even the victims may not realise what has happened to them, especially when it occurred in childhood. It can take years to come to terms with and recognise the relationship between the emotional abuse and low self-esteem, depression and anxiety that the adult who was emotionally abused in childhood may experience.

 Low self-esteem involve being made to feel that the victim isn’t as important as everyone else, that their needs don’t count. Their abuser’s needs are put before their own and it may be done so subtly they don’t even know it has happened. It’s hard enough to realise it is happening as an adult, much more in a child.

 The child victim may be very helpful and easy to deal with, after all they have already been taught their needs are less important than others. This is why they so often get missed. As they grow up, they may be sensitive to what they see as selfish behaviour in others. After all, they never put themselves first, how selfish that other people do so. This view can be a symptom of the abuse they don’t even realise they have suffered and they can be very judgemental of other people because of it.

 They have been conditioned to the fact that they shouldn’t put themselves and their needs first. But really, we all have to do that. Even parents who are doing all they can for their children can’t be totally selfless all the time. After all, if they don’t look after themselves then what impact can that have?

 Emotional abusers expect others to put them first and they have an array of tools to manipulate, shame and bully their victims into making this happen.

 It is not a personality flaw to put yourself first, it doesn’t make you bad or selfish. It is part of self-care. What is damaging and abusive is to expect others to put you first as well and to be resentful and coercive when it doesn’t happen.

Imposter syndrome

siobhantoner

This article describes really well what happens with imposter syndrome.

In my experience it is very linked to emotional abuse; not just from parents and guardians but also siblings.

Siblings who resent the attention that another sibling gets can cause great damage with their jealously. When you end up feeling insecure and paranoid because of doing well at something it doesn’t help you grow into a confident and secure adult.