Attachment styles
More people now are aware of the concept of attachment styles, but I just wanted to give a quick summary of what it can mean as and adult.
The theory is that as a young baby develops and grows the relationship with their primary caregiver means they then develop an attachment style. Their attachment style may impact a lot of other things later in their life.
If the child’s needs are predominantly being met in a healthy way, they develop what it’s called a secure attachment style. They know safety and feel a sense of security. They understand that they can try new things and take risks and they will be supported to stop them getting into actual danger and to help pick them up if they fall over. They will be taught to regulate when they do get upset and generally these have really positive impacts in the future.
For adults with a secure attachment style the world feels safer. Other people feel more reliable and there is more trust in relationships.
However, there’ are lot of people who have an insecure attachment style and these get broken down into three different versions.
Anxious attachment
Children who develop an anxious attachment style grow up and find it very difficult in relationships. They may be very needy but are potentially very wary of those relationships. They can need regular reassurance and potentially would tolerate a lot of poor behaviour from other people to stay in those relationships.
They don’t necessarily trust their own judgement and their own ability to cope so they need other people to be there for them to back them up or to do for them. They hadn’t been taught when young to take risks and try things and explore the world and to develop resilience.
They don’t necessarily trust their own abilities and can often have low self-confidence. They don’t have a sense of self-worth and that they are a value to others so they can seek reassurance a lot or do a lot of acts of service for people to justify why people are with them in any sort of relationship. They’re very vulnerable to being abused by people who take advantage of their insecurity.
Avoidant attachment
Children with avoidant attachment style have to learn to cope on their own as they don’t get enough support and back up from their primary caregivers. They have to learn their own regulation skills without it being modelled healthfully, they have to learn to do things for themselves too young and this leads to adults who are seen as very independent.
This independence is there but it can also be a mask. If they’ve had to do everything for themselves to achieve anything they will do it but they may not be happy. However, they also don’t know how to trust other people to do things for them. They have learnt not to rely on anyone else. They may believe people are incapable and they’re the only one who can do it or they may acknowledge that others could help them if they wanted to, but believe no one will.
Asking for help becomes incredibly difficult because They’re so used to not getting it that it’s almost inconceivable that someone would actually give it to them. It’s better not to ask again only be disappointed and just push themselves to do it alone.
This can severely impact intimacy and relationships because there isn’t trust there. It can also lead to severe burnout because they’ve got no backup and even if people have been willing to be their backup, they haven’t been able to allow them into their life close enough to be that back up.
Therefore the mask of competence and even potentially success can also hide deep sadness and loneliness.
Disorganised attachment
This attachment style is believed to be the one most linked to childhood trauma and abuse. Experiencing it directly from the primary caregiver or witnessing the caregiver being abusive to others.
This leads to constant doubt about what version of the caregiver will show up, one who is present, emotionally absent or one who actively causes harm so the child is growing up with a lot of fear and uncertainty.
This fear will continue into adulthood with other relationships. Whilst craving them and pulling towards them, the fear and distrust can be overwhelming and they will pull away or create and environment that the person they are in a relationship with (whatever form that is) eventually ends it. This them confirms they were right to be fearful, and re-enforces their fear.
The distrust they experience can be very harmful for those on the receiving end as well. Worst case it can be aggressive and controlling as they are needing proof of loyalty. Even without that it can be extremely hurtful to be under frequent suspicion and in the end it drives people away.
Next time I will introduce scapegoating and how that can link to attachment styles which you will find here.