Tag: Counsellor Borough

Social Anxiety and counselling

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What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety can be a crippling condition for those who experience it.

Can you imagine what it’s like to try and anticipate every social interaction you have, from the person you walk past in the street, to the man on the bus sitting next to you, to the woman in the shop. Not only are you anticipating what they might say but also what they think of you and what you could say to make them think differently and what they might then do and how you will look and what will they think of your voice and ….. breathe

Breathe

The thoughts have got out of control. It’s as though they have taken on a life of their own. You don’t want to be like this, but you are trapped.

Suffers may find it’s different groups of people or situations that trigger the anxiety and the thoughts. Having to give a presentation or a big meeting at work.

But it can just as easily be a casual invitation to a pub for a night out with friends.

Social interactions

If you are friends with someone who is suffering this, you may not realise just how hard it might be for them. They want to be with you, but sometimes their thoughts stop that happening. They want to have fun and relax in your company, but it isn’t always possible. If it feels sometimes like they aren’t being the friend you want, please don’t assume you don’t mean much to them. It might be because you mean so much, that your opinion is so valued that they worry about letting you down.

It can be really hard to get to know someone with social anxiety as they may be so busy trying to be who you want them to be that who they are gets lost. Or their thoughts will stop them being able to show you who they really are as they might be telling them how uninteresting and boring they are compared to you.

How to improve social anxiety

The thing is things can improve, the horrible irony is that it may mean doing the thing that they find most difficult which is engaging with someone new. Those first steps to contact a counsellor might be agonising.

And make no mistake, counselling can help. It’s not a magic bullet, it’s not going to wash all the problems away. But the experience of giving voice to anxiety with (hopefully) a therapist who is empathic, congruent and non-judgemental can help ease them. Being accepted, having your anxiety accepted is a good place to start finding ways to reduce it.

If you want to contact me but are finding it difficult to take that first step, just use the contact form or click the email button and mention social anxiety. I will understand how hard that has been for you and will get back to you as soon as possible.

 

Generalised Anxiety and counselling

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Are you a worrier?

What is that like for you? Is it everyone now and again, or does it happen most or all of the time?

Yes, its normal to worry, that’s true. But for some people that worry becomes excessive and uncontrollable. Lying in bed worrying about where you are going to find parking for the car when you go out at the weekend is the sort of things that might be deemed excessive and uncontrollable, especially if it happens every night of the week.

People who are suffering from generalised anxiety disorder may not even recognise it as that. You may always have worried and not realised how much more you do it to others. Worrying when something stressful is happening in your life is bound to happen, but if you worry as much when you don’t have a much going on might be a sign of anxiety.

Example of GAD

For example, parking the car above, if you are going somewhere new and don’t know the roads you might choose to check before you go. Once you have checked you can be content with that, or if you suffer from anxiety it might go something like this.

  • I’ve checked, but what if I misread the map.
  • I need to check again…
  • and again.
  • But what if all the spaces are full. What do I do then?
  • Is there a car park?
  • How much does it cost?
  • What if there aren’t any spaces in there?
  • Or I don’t have change for the machine.
  • How do I get change?
  • What if all this means I am late for my appointment?
  • What will I do then?
  • Will they wait for me?
  • What if they don’t.
  • Does that mean they resent me for messing them around even if they do wait?

And so on, as you can see one worry about knowing where to park can grow and more and more worries get added to it.

So, what can I as counsellor do to help?

One of the first things I do is exploring what anxiety is for you as it can be different for everyone. Some people will be having a lot of physical symptoms along with the thoughts, others won’t, or won’t necessarily realise they are.

Recognising your anxiety is important, understanding what you are worrying about and how often allows you to acknowledge what is really going on. A lot of anxiety is a bit stealthy and sneaky, we have thoughts we don’t even notice and I will work with you to shine a light on them.

I do this because it is easier to work on what we know than what we don’t.

I may then look at some coping strategies to use when you notice your anxiety growing to help you manage it when it is happening.

In the longer term, we can start exploring some of the reasons and beliefs you have that underlie your anxiety.

However, each client is different so I might adapt depending on what they are bringing.

I do know that counselling can have a long-term impact on reducing anxiety, for some people that can be achieved in a short timeframe of 6-12 sessions, other people need longer. It can be hard work but worthwhile.

 

Separation Anxiety

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You have probably heard of separation anxiety. Your child or a child you know may have found it difficult being away from their parent, it may have caused problems for them going to nursery or school. It may be something you feel is a normal part of growing up and becoming used to being more independent and some children just take longer than others.

Did you know though that it can still apply to adults?

For both adults and children, the diagnostics criteria are the same, but for adults the symptoms have to be persistent for a longer period of time. Typically, it is 4 weeks or more for children and 6 months or more for adults.

For adults, the symptoms may have been something that began in childhood and weren’t addressed but more often they are not. I’ve found a study that says approx. 77% of adults developed it in adulthood.

They can still be anxious about separation from a parent figure or caregiver, for example finding it difficult to take the steps needed to leave home and live alone for the first time. It can also though be about separation from a partner or even from their own child who may have moved away.

Exploring the fears that these adults are experiencing and the way they are limiting their ability to function is key to treatment. They may be coming across as controlling, dependent or overprotective and it could be having a negative impact on their relationships. Working on the issues in therapy can help develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

University drop outs

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This podcast from the BBC last year details some of the pressures young people are having when trying to get a degree and the reasons they drop out.

I was encouraged that those who were experiencing mental health issues and were able to engage with the university counselling services did find them useful. Sadly it is disappointing that accessing that wasn’t always easy. Waiting lists or not even know it was available delayed their treatment.

I wish everyone starting their university career this month all the very best and if you need support that you can access it.

Gas lighting

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I come back to gas lighting a lot as it is a form of emotional abuse I feel people need to be more aware of.

There are two things in this post that particularly strike me.

1 – being told how you feel. I wonder if people notice how common this is in everyday conversation, not ones that are necessarily deliberately manipulative. For example someone is telling an experience to a friend and will be answer with “you must feel..” or “you will be feeling…”. The more aware of it the more I notice it, both inside and outside my counselling room. What is it that makes us want to define someone else’s feelings rather than give them space to share them? Is it because listening might be too painful? Does this type of interaction which is incredibly common add to the lack of awareness of gas lighting and other forms of emotional abuse?

2 – feeling that being sensitive makes you unlovable. When did being sensitive become a weakness or indeed a personality flaw? Why is this un-acceptable in society? Sensitivity to me is about being in touch with your feelings and experiencing them all, whether painful or not. Yet admitting to feeling pain, hurt or upset is deemed wrong. It should all be swept under the carpet. I see a lot of damage caused by this where clients have to fit a mould and try and be something they aren’t to meet approval from others.

Sexual assault in College and University

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The new year is starting and thousands of young people are going away to University and College for the first time. This should be a exciting, nervous and hopefully fun and rewarding time.

Sadly though there will be a lot of people who will suffer sexual assault. This article has the staggering statistic that 3 in 5 are assaulted or harassed. Revolt Sexual Assault is a UK based charity working to expose the scale and campaign for change. You will also find a list of support organisation for those who need it on their website.

Male domestic abuse

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Its so important that male victims of domestic abuse are finally getting more attention in the news. This article details some of the statistics and difficulties men have accessing support due to how limited the resources are to help them.

It also has a link to an program that will be available on iPlayer from tomorrow and I am keen to watch that as well when it is released.

I am affiliated with an organisation, MenCASA which promotes awareness and training in this area for therapists. It also is a resource for clients to use to be able to find a counsellor to work with who will take their experiences seriously.