Not such a great time of the year

There is a lot of celebrating going on around us at this time of year, but what if you aren’t part of that?

There are many reasons that you may be finding the festivities hard to cope with. One of those is bereavement, either a recent one or one that happened at this time of year in the past. Cruse have put together the graphic at the bottom of the page which you may find useful.

But there are other reasons; you may be suffering from an illness that makes it hard to feel like celebrating. This could be a mental health illness or one that gives you physical pain.

You might be estranged from family members and all the talk of family gatherings make it hard for you to join in the happiness because of your own emotions.

Your children may not be spending Christmas with you as they are with their other parent or your family is in another country.

You may be lonely and feel you don’t have anyone to spend the holiday with.

There are always organisations open to offer you crisis help if you need it, the most well know is the Samaritans who are there to talk if you need it.

Maybe what you need is to plan to change something longer term and are thinking about therapy. This might be the time to initiate that, please feel free to contact me if that is the case.

To all those people who are finding it tough this year I hope you find some solace and find some peace despite what is going on for you.

Separated families

I see more online about family estrangements and separated families. While its always a risk going into comment sections of social media I also find it interested how people view these situations.

Now, like everyone else apart from those directly involved, I don’t know the full story of what is being posted. I do know the stories of many people (including my own) of those who have chosen to cease contact with family members. It’s never an easy choice and it usually comes after years or decades of toxic or abusive relationships. Within those relationships, all parties may have displayed behaviour they are not proud of; they may have tried to repair things unsuccessfully; they may have papered over the cracks again and again. 

Each story will be different. What isn’t helpful is other people who are on the outside passing judgments. These judgements are at best unwelcome and also potentially damaging and abusive.

I was reminded recently of the request by many school for parents not to take photos at school plays because they may contain images of other children who are at risk. With these being put on social media, then they can be traced must easier. I am sure there are people who object to this as their experiences have meant that haven’t had to consider these things. It’s the same with judging separated families.

Without the experiences then it may not be obvious why people make the choices they make. Instead of judging or worse interfering in a way that can put people at risk, try and ask yourself what would lead someone to make a choice like that?

If you haven’t had a family like this, then please recognise what a privilege that is for you. A secure loving family of one of the greatest advantages anyone can have. The evidence on adverse childhood experiences which I have written about before show just what an advantage this gives to you. 

If you have made a choice to remove contact with a family member, then I am sorry you have needed to and I wish you well. It can seem so much harder in December dealing with these issues as family celebrations are promoted to us everywhere.

How do you know your counsellor is qualified?

The BBC news website published an interesting article about counsellors this week. The titles, counsellor, therapist, psychotherapist are not protected. This means that anyone can advertising themselves as one regardless of their qualifications.

This is why therapists like myself who have studied on courses that meet the requirements of a membership body usually mention this on their website. To give clients more confidence in our experience and professionalism.

I am a member of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). If you wanted to check that, you can search for my name on their register.

It is voluntary to be a member of one of these bodies. However, the majority of counsellors choose to join one. The governments Professional Standards Register recommends you choose a counsellor who is a member of one of a number of bodies and the list can be found here.

Support after bereavement by murder

There are so many terrible headlines at the moment about violence and murder, not just in London but across the country.

What they don’t really show is the impact of these crimes on extended families and friends. Loosing someone you know by a murder is devastating, even if it’s an acquaintance. It is so much worse for the families and loved ones.

How do you explain it to children and young people. How do you support them through the ongoing process of trying to make sense of something so senseless? How do you support them when you need support yourself?

There is a fantastic organisation, Winstons Wish which supports bereaved children and their families. They also have a whole section dedicated to resources when the bereavement is due to murder or manslaughter.

Loneliness Awareness Week

I have clients of all ages bringing issues connected to loneliness. Loneliness isn’t about being alone, it’s about being disconnected from others.

This week is loneliness awareness week, explore some of the events here and see if trying something different might help you.

Grieving on Mothers day

Whether you have lost your Mother or you are a Mother who has lost her Child, Mother’s Day can be very difficult.
Its hard remembering the times you were together for Mother’s Day in previous years and the absence now.
If you know someone in this situation, please be mindful of how poignant their pain may be this weekend.
For more details on supporting a bereaved parent of an adult child, please check out my article.

Childhood PTSD

I’m relieved that the findings in this article on childhood PTSD are being publicised while being desperately sad at the scale of children and young people whose mental health needs are not even being recognised.

I work with may young people who have been through traumatic experiences and also adults who are still suffering from the impact of their childhood trauma.

All of us who work in the field are aware of that cuts in funding to Child and Adolescent Mental Health services and how hard it is for those in need to access services. It’s ironic that this is happening at the same time as more and more research is being done to highlight how many more children and young people need support.

Not dealing with it doesn’t mean the issues go away. They carry on and I have written about this before here. The ACE studies show the life long impact of adverse childhood experiences and many adults are still living with the effects.

These multiple adverse experience are more likely to lead to a form of PTSD called Complex PTSD. When definitions of PTSD were first developed it was for those suffering single event traumas like an accident or war injury. It’s taken a long time for recognition of PTSD in childhood to be caused by abusive situations. For more info on what cPTSD is like I highly recommend this author, Pete Walker.

New Years reflections

The New Year always seems to be a time of reflection and hope to me. I reflect on the year past and hope and dream what the future year will bring, sadly it doesn’t always work out the way we want to.

For me on a personal level events in this last couple of years have meant I found myself reflecting a great deal on the past including things I thought I had dealt with and closed the door on.

The lesson for me is that doors don’t always stay closed and sometimes we have to revisit again and again painful memories.

The most profound thing for me though in that is that each time I process stuff anew, it is a very healing experience. By viewing the past from where I am now – with the support networks and self awareness I have allows me to put events into a different context. While my past will always be a part of me it doesn’t define me, but I also won’t deny it and sometimes it needs some attention and work.

That’s one of the side events of opening up yourself to therapy, once you begin processing, you never really stop. It becomes part of your being. I believe that’s a very powerful part to have.

It means that when the unexpected happens, as it surely will it is a resource we can call on to find a way through. To come out the other side with who we are still intact, even if we have been changed by new experiences.

I hope that whatever 2019 brings you, joys and sadness, fun and challenges that you have the resources to cope, inner resources and the support that comes from honest and loving relationships with friends and/or family.